


A Neolithic Love Story

by amerasu1013 (amerasu_1013)



Series: Football One-shots [3]
Category: Men's Football RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Historical, Alternate Universe - Prehistoric, Crack, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-12
Updated: 2019-10-12
Packaged: 2020-12-13 23:35:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21006014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amerasu_1013/pseuds/amerasu1013
Summary: The prehistoric AU where Geri woos Sergio with flowers. And/or by hitting him over the head with his club.





	A Neolithic Love Story

**Author's Note:**

> I figure few people if any are gonna read the Zlatan one. So have one more...  
This is pure crack, obviously. No Neanderthals were harmed for this story.  
Title by the amazing [zilldk](https://archiveofourown.org/users/zilldk/pseuds/zilldk), who also betaed, as usual. Thanks, darling!! English is still not my native tongue, so shout at me if you find any lingering mistakes we both missed. Thanks and enjoy!!

“Uga?”

Sergio turns around and glares at the other man. The tall guy is offering Sergio a handful of pretty seashells, but Sergio is not impressed.

“Gah!” He says instead and lifts his club menacingly. He’s not going to be seduced by seashells or flowers or bone flutes (even if that particular gift was pretty impressive, this new thing called music is all the rage right now and Sergio’s a big fan), oh no. If he’s going to mate someone, it won’t be a guy from the caves across the river. Everybody knows the guys over there _ suck _. No, it will be someone from Sergio’s own side of the river…

“Uga!” The guy insists again and - yeah okay. Sergio rolls his eyes and holds out a hand. The guy drops the seashells carefully into Sergio’s palm one by one. Okay, they _ are _ kind of pretty. He could probably get Luka to make him a necklace out of them - a much prettier one than Cris has, and then Sergio will be prettier than Cris and he’s going to _ love _it.

Sergio grunts in thanks and watches the guy smile in delight. He is kind of handsome, even if he has way too much Neanderthal blood in his lineage, judging from those eyebrow ridges and all that unkempt hair. And that beard! A tragedy, that’s what it is… Not that this would matter if they were to mate… Sergio’s _ sapiens _enough to know that you need a woman to have babies.

“Uga.” The guy says, sounding satisfied. Sergio wonders if he knows more than that one word or if he really is stupid. Sergio himself knows way more than one word! He knows three!

“Gah.” Sergio says because whatever. He turns to leave, because even if the seashells are pretty, he’s not just gonna let himself be dragged off to the guy’s cave and -

The club hits his head with a dull thud and everything goes dark.

***

When Sergio wakes up he’s lying on something soft - and the guy from earlier is sitting across from him, staring expectantly. Sergio sits up, rubbing his sore head (oww) and looks around. He’s in a cave, that much was to be expected. It’s a nice cave, neat and tidy, careful drawings on the walls (a lot of short figures and one tall figure chasing prey, then the tall figure standing victoriously over a slain deer and the shorter figures next to it, cheering) and lots of nice, comfy furs everywhere. There’s a warm fire and a selection of pretty awesome stone tools waiting in a little work station next to the fire. Sergio looks around, scowls, refuses to be impressed, then lobs a stone blade at the guy’s head.

“Gah!” Sergio says and scowls harder. That’s for abducting him! What even is this?! The Holocene?! Who even abducts people anymore to mate them?!

“Uga.” The guy says and rubs his head, a bit of blood appears where the stone blade struck him. Sergio glares back and refuses to feel guilty.

“Gah.” He says pointedly because the guy _ deserved _ it, and if Sergio actually had a bigger vocabulary than this, he would _ so _tell the guy exactly what he thinks of him!

His abductor grunts and scratches his head. He’s looking sad now and - urgh. Now Sergio does feel sorry for him, fuck. He scowls at the cave drawings. They’re really pretty.

A rustle announces the guy shifting a bit closer. “Uga?” He asks hesitantly and gives Sergio a little nudge. Sergio looks over at where the (dirty) finger is pointing and sees another drawing he missed up until now. There’s a tall figure and a slightly shorter one, surrounded by flowers. It’s painted with obvious care and attention, especially the shorter figure has been drawn with much love for detail. Sergio can make out both legs and both arms and even the long, obviously beautiful hair on top… 

“Gah!” Sergio says and whistles, impressed. And flattered! The guy thinks Sergio is beautiful! He made a whole drawing about it! Ha, take that, Cris! Nobody ever made drawings about Cris, did they?! Only ever about hunts and shit like that, but here is a drawing about Sergio! _ Ha _!

Sergio eyes his abductor. Really, the guy is quite handsome too. Tall and strong, a good hunter, there’s a lion skin over there to prove it. He makes good stone tools, he knows how to maintain a fire, and he thinks Sergio is pretty. Plus he brought Sergio many shiny gifts, that’s always nice… Hmm.

“Uga.” The guy says again, more confident now, and puts a flower in front of Sergio. Then he sits back and smiles expectantly.

“Gah.” Sergio shrugs, then nods and yanks the guy close for a kiss. After all, he really could do worse, all things considered. It’s not like humanity’s entire evolution hinges on if they mate or don’t, so they can just have a bit of fun together...

Though they’ll really have to do something about that beard.

**Author's Note:**

> This was sort of inspired by my little copy of the statue of the Venus von Willendorf and me being a nerd. If you're interested, go look up the Venus or the artifacts found in the Hohle Fels cave near Ulm in Germany, specifically the bone flute, 35.000 years old and one of the oldest musical instruments ever found! My field isn't even the Prehistoric, but those artifacts are amazing, so I recommend a Google :)


End file.
